I was a young man the first time I slept with a woman. It was great. I don’t remember the condom I wore, but I did, in fact wear one. The second time I had sex, I wore a condom. I don’t remember that condom, either, and even though it broke, I was glad that I’d worn it. Same goes for the third and 70th and 240th and 5,483rd times. I always wear condoms.

I should tell you, though, about the condoms that I do remember. LifeStyles Ultra Lubricated with Spermicide. When we first started dating, these were the condoms we decided on. I don’t remember why, really. I know that they make us sound like we were dry and nervous, but we weren’t. Simply put, they were the condoms that felt right.

After a few years, we broke up. It was messy and I don’t regret it. I got over it and, quite frankly, couldn’t wait to have sex again. I had set my sights on one girl, though, but she was still, well, “kind of” dating someone. I didn’t care and continued my pursuit. I really liked her and enjoyed spending time with her. We’d hang out all the time and do all sorts of stupid shit together. Except have sex. She wouldn’t have sex with me. Or even kiss me, for that matter. She was still stuck on this guy.

Eventually, I got to meet him. And I felt like I’d already met him, for some reason. I couldn’t remember where or when, but I’d met this guy before. We talked, and he was a nice guy and all, but I still hated him. I don’t remember how it came up, but at one point, he announced to the room that condoms were bullshit and that he’d never wear them. It made me feel weird. About that time, my ex-girlfriend called and started to apologize to me for things she’d said and done. Before the call was over, she fessed up about having cheated on me. I had known, I guess, prior to this, but was always in denial about it. I asked who she’d slept with, and she told me a few people. I asked specifically and she began to name names. The last guy she named was this guy. The guy I recognized! The guy who was still “kind of” dating the girl I “kind of” really wanted to fuck!

I just had to tell her. I had to. But I couldn’t. You don’t fuck the messenger, you shoot him. I didn’t want to be shot. But I told her anyway. I told her all of the details. I was drunk and very dramatic about it, too. It was messy and I don’t regret it. When it was over, she sat there in silence. It felt like ten whole minutes before she asked me, “When was this again?” I told her.

It was then that she told me about her STD. The STD she’d contracted about the same time. The STD she got from this guy. This guy who refused to wear condoms. This guy who fucked my then-girlfriend. It doesn’t take Encyclopedia Brown to figure out that my girlfriend had this same STD.

And that, my friends, is why I will forever say thank you to LifeStyles and their Ultra Lubricated with Spermicide condoms. Needless to say, I didn’t fuck that girl.