when i was a kid, i never had many girl friends. i know that this bothered my mom. i think she thought it meant i was gay. i think i was just able to understand that it is tough to be friends with other women at a very young age.

when i got to the point where i was beginning to get crushes on boys, since i didn’t have many girlfriends, i didn’t really know how to proceed. i always ended up being that sad girl who was just known as “the friend” while other girls got to date the boys i wished i was dating. then i grew boobs. suddenly i couldn’t even talk to the boys i’d been such good friends with, and they were stumbling over their words too. i think it’s the first time any of them considered that i was, in fact, a girl.

around that same time, a guy whom i’d considered my best friend got particularly strange around me. he would show up at my house on his bmx bike several times a day and we’d sit on the couch in my parents garage and talk. and it was like that for awhile and it was nice. eventually i got a boyfriend, a friend of both of ours, who i dated for the better part of that year. occasionally my guy friend would get flirty with me, but i always thought it was light hearted and never took him seriously. to be honest, i’m not sure what my reaction would have been had i.

time went on, and eventually he moved to another school and i didn’t see him for a long time. i’d thought of him from time to time fondly and considered what it would have been like had we ever gotten together.